Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

💀

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials