Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!