@GrumpyBahr

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

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@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

@girlnarly

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

@boring_as_heck

SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy

@flashember

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@JohnLyonTweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.