[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Me: Its all there.
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australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.