Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.