Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
finally
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
How to properly lift a body
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
