Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m sorry…what?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
