Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Confused owl: What?!

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion