Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.