Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW