Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?