Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻