Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?