Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time