Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

What personal space?

My dog

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

My Plans 2020

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks