Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.