Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
You Might Also Like
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?