Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Favourite diary entry ever
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”