Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”