Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
describing stardew valley
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I put the h in mysterious.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!