Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.