dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
β’stay calm
β’donβt run away
β’donβt turn your back
β’donβt make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: Iβm a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. Iβll be back in an hour.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess Iβm attracted to squirrels now.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street Iβm too stunned to say more than βew.β
But just now a guy goes βwhat dβyou taste like, girl?β
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: βThe blood of my enemies.β
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if itβs not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven βYou idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!β
Wouldnβt that be something?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..thatβs how the fight started
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits werenβt rolling yet.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated π§
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
