dr pepper just lost her medical license. ๐ now she’s just ms pepper. ๐ bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! ๐ no. โ๐ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. ๐ unlearn your internal biases!๐ฉโโ๏ธ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash โน๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ถ
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Life Hack: Replace your catโs litter box with an Amazon box. When itโs full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: Itโs called โEverybody Wants to Rule the Worldโ by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I donโt like the song anymore.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GOยฎ password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. Heโs strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
