dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[English class]
Her: Iβm never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
my first dose meeting my second
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess Iβm still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? βyouβ has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so Iβd have something to do tomorrow.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I donβt like confrontation so I just stole it.
Cristina Aguilera: βYouβre beautiful! No matter what they say!β
Me: βWait, what do they say?β
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crΓ¨me brΓ»lΓ©e baba ganoush with caramel’.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Me: Iβm PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someoneβs carrying you.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August itβs like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a βFancy Turkeyβ… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
