dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now sheβs just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Sheβs a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever β hang on, being told thatβs a tent.
My neighborβs kid said hi but I couldnβt think of his name and said βHi son of Johnβ like some biblical dude
canβt get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, itβs just her reaction to having to do a chore.
2019: silently mouths βI love youβ to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths βIβm sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Donβt forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner letβs do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? Heβs the worstβ¦β
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We donβt do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls donβt
M: birds of pray?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldnβt know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
me: [on phone] I need a doctorβs appointment
receptionist: itβs going to be at least a month
me: ok Iβll hold
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
βMy godβ¦weβre monsters,β I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying βTime to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?β Do that twice a day.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. heβll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesnβt seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, Iβm sorry, I didnβtβ
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Iβve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
ME: this isnβt curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didnβt say i donβt like it
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating itβs just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, Iβm doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I donβt.
This is bullshit.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Haha thereβs a squirrel on the fence and heβs walking back and forth like he canβt make up his mind because heβs on the fence.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
βwhy do you take so long in the shower?β
me:
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
