dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now sheβs just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I want to open a pizza shop called βCheesus Crust!β Our slogan will be: βHeavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.β -or- βCrust has risen.β
My son doesnβt always throw up, but when he does, heβs already in bed.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
When you give someone a present, unless you say βopen itβ, theyβre legally not allowed to look inside.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You couldnβt make The Godfather today. Itβs almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husbandβs money in ruining their daughterβs lives.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. Iβm definitely going to get the license this time.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I donβt care
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Letβs see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: Iβm listening
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Hereβs melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I havenβt read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[text]
H: Iβm at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, itβs 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldnβt possibly get any louder, please stop by my parentβs house right now
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Sometimes I pretend Iβm picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Remember the 90βs when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl β¦. Good Times β¦.
I my rage I texted my friend βI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youβ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
