dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of hΜΆoΜΆuΜΆrΜΆsΜΆ marriages
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My son just asked me βwhatβs an integer?β like Iβm some sort of astrophysicist
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I donβt really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* Iβm sorry, did you say free?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when weβre buying takeout?
ME: Itβs my warm up sandwich.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. π
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song iβve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like βomg i love this oneβ for two hours
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
