dr pepper just lost her medical license. ๐ now she’s just ms pepper. ๐ bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! ๐ no. โ๐ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. ๐ unlearn your internal biases!๐ฉโโ๏ธ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash โน๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ถ
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Never let kids google names of Pokรฉmon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that โour little ones might eat mulch.โ I’m more concerned heโs seeing little ones I donโt know about.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Alicia Keys: ๐ถ I keep on fallin’ ๐ต
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
A great tip. #CakeRex
It used be called โtalking to yourselfโ but the new term for it is โpodcastingโ.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
What the hell was that?โ my dog angrily demanded as we left the vetโs office.
โWhat?โ I asked.
โThat thing you did with the guy.โ
โWhat, shaking his hand?โ
โYes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.โ
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Friday the 13th doesnโt even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. ๐ซถ๐ฝ๐ซถ๐ฝ
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
interviewer: whatโs your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: thatโs right
