dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us βHowβs that door holding up?β and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Meow
I think about this a lot
βWhoeverβs in charge of this music sucksβ
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
βWhoeverβs in charge of this music sucks, sir.β
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
ITβS NOT A PHASE, DAD
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
my neighbors have set up a little βbear huntβ game by putting teddy bears in their windows. Iβve shot five so far
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
