dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove sheβs responsible first so we just keep saying things like βsomeone who wants a hamster doesnβt leave their plate at the dinner tableβ and I think we might keep this going until sheβs 23
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
culinary school students be like βbruh i got spaghetti due at midnight π°β
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my βgamers donβt die they just respawnβ shirt* you can just say yes
*aggressively waits in line*
My so-called βfriendsβ have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say βthank youβ when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Paris Hiltonβs chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they donβt get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widowβs veil
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your rΓ©sumΓ© said you were a surgeon
ME: My rΓ©sumΓ© says a lot of things
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Memories are a bit fuzzy β but regrets? Theyβre in 8K and Dolby Vision.
βLook, Iβm just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.β
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
