dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and iβm trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? Youβre not gonna believe this.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: πΆ Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked πΆ
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe heβs a doctor
me: whyβd you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: itβs my eyes isnβt it
cop: …
me: *sigh* theyβre hazel
cop: so mysterious
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing heβs done
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
WHY would you be happy about this?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
A haunted house but itβs just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
(Musicians.)
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok thatβs fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, itβs so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: Whatβs the matter with you? Youβre just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
