dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Never know who youβll run into at the gas station!
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
In Mexico, itβs considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how βintuitiveβ their products were. And I couldnβt help wishing they made spouses.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Go hard or stay average
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
HIM: Iβm not crying, youβre crying
ME: weβre all crying, this is a funeral
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: hereβs the lyrics to βsame loveβ superimposed over a sunset!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Iβm not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
