Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My wife gives the best headache.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Kids, do not try this at home!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea