Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone