Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though