Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
new shirt idea
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.