Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Bless you

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl