Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.