Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
