Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
How to walk around a museum
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
selfie game
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
