Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
