Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Saturday
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
