Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

A new level of troll.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.