Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.