Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You Might Also Like
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My dog ate my work from home.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The game has officially changed 😎
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.