Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.