Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You Might Also Like
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Hear me out: WrestleVania
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I only treason on days ending in y