Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

shut up and take my money

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

President The Rock Obama

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me