Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
wow he looks just like him
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry