Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
What kind of a cult is this?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*