Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You Might Also Like
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
me working on my assignments ^-^
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit