Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
…..pretty much.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.