Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
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[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
True.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Born to be mild.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.