Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

The internet is full of many things