Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

😂😂

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

BaD BoY!!

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes