Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

OKAY DAD

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.