Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.