Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.