Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE