Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You Might Also Like
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“OMGJK” -atheists
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.