Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You Might Also Like
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
For the orator and chef in all of us
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend