Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

RT if you could go either way.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.