Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

I hope Alan is OK

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30