Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

this site is so cooked lol

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong