Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.