dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I鈥檓 the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you鈥rankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I鈥檓 starting to suspect it鈥檚 because he forgot her name.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me: I鈥檓 just saying it鈥檚 nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I鈥檓 not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn鈥檛 make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh馃ぃ 馃ぃ
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine