Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist