Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

#merica

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.