Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.