Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.