Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

ok like just. call me at this point

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

the icebreaker

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Talk about a bad egg

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Wait a minute…

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy