Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Just got to our Airbnb!
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.