dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Pretty much. 🤣
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
technique
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”