dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.