Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.